April 18, 2011

A Bit of Advice...

Okay, so most of you know by now that I work as a night auditor at a hotel in Tulsa. This means I'm up all night and by myself most of the time at work. I rarely have people checking in on my shift but the occasional person does come by. So, I've decided to give you all a bit of advice if you want a room at my hotel in the middle of the night. All of these are tips I've gathered from personal experience with "walk-ins". 

Here's my list of things NOT to do...

1. Do not barge in at 1:15am in a wife beater and jeans below your butt and ask me if we have an hourly rate.  What kind of hotel do you think this is?!

2.  Do not try to check in using your cheating husbands credit card and then proceed to tell me all the reasons why he deserves to pay for your "good night out" since he's been having "good nights out" with some hussy for 3 months. I still can't letcha do it... Sry. 

3.  Do not come in and tell me that you're trying to get a room for your friend who is waiting in the car because he's too drunk to come in and get his own room and you don't want to deal with him at your house. You ain't gotta take him home but you can't leave him here. And if he pukes in my parking lot I'm going to kick you. Just saying...

4.  Do not NOT make eye contact with me then accuse me of being Vixen753. 

5.  Do not keep your hands hidden in your jacket/hoodie/coat/oversized jeans. I dunno what you could be hiding in those pockets and I'm not gonna let you stay around long enough for me to find out... You need to go. 

6. Do not come in claiming that one of our front desk clerks let you stay in a suite one time for $30. That's a lie. And now all you've done is tick me off so if you want a room I'm gonna quote you double. The real rate is $80 but youre gonna pay $140 for that, sir! I don't want liars in my hotel. 

7.  Do not come in here and start screaming at Billy the Exterminator on the tv like he's really here. He can't hear you! 

8.  Do not, after hearing we have no vacancies, give me your business card and tell me you are "in the meat business". And you can get me a "real good deal." There's so much wrong with that... Just leave. 

9.  Do not walk in and start casing the joint: looking down the hall, in the breakfast area, behind the desk. Are you thinking of robbing me and you wanna see if there's witnesses around? It's either that or you're on a scavenger hunt... And there's a time and place for scavenger hunts. It ain't 3:00am in my hotel lobby. Get to gettin'! 

And finally...

10.  Do not check in with a girl you met at the bar, send her up to the room, then hang back to ask me if we keep extra condoms at the front desk. Are you kidding me? What? Do you think we have a drawer full of them next to the travel size shampoo and toothpaste? No sir, we don't have an emergency supply of condoms. But I'll give you 5 points for wanting to practice safe sex. Then I'll take 10 points away for being so very ill prepared. 

I'm sure in the time to come I'll be adding to this list. Heck, #11 will probably walk in tonight. But for now I'll leave you with my top ten. And you can rest easy knowing that while you are sleeping peacefully in you're bed, five nights a week I'm here... Dealing with drunks, creepers and Condom Boy. That's the story of my life... That's the Story of Abby. Ugh. 


  1. Oh man that's crazy hilarious. I've missed you writing. I'd love to see more! And Ben and I totally owe you a trip to Tulsa very soon to see you and this crazy hotel

  2. I pity anyone who reads this and doesn't know you. It's much more fun hearing it in your Abby voice in my head. *INSERT ABBY'S BONQUIQUI VOICE* You need to go!. LOL :-)

  3. Best list EVER!!! Love it, love it, love it! You're one brave woman. :0)

  4. Hysterical, I love it! And Melodie is so very right, to not hear your Abby voice and see your eyebrow raising and finger pointing in my head while reading this, well that would be very unfortunate.

  5. "You need to go!" I can hear you as clear as day in my head! I <3 you Abby!