June 9, 2010

NO Money, Mo' Problems

Have you ever winessed something and you were literally shocked that it was really happening?  That's how I felt last friday.  I dont even know how to explain, in written form, this story... It was so ridiculous that I have thought about it every day since it happened and every time I do I am equally furious and amused.  Follow along... 

It all starts with Angel.  Angel is one of my very best friends.  If I was blonde, rich, and an heiress from Beverly Hills I would call her "my bestie" but I'm none of those things so it just feels weird.  Angel and I went to college together and have been great friends ever since.  And seriously, I dunno what the deal is, but when we hang out the planets align and the gods of ridiculousness shine upon us because the craziest stuff happens when we are together.  

On this particular night we decided to get some grub then go to the dollar theatre for a cinematic adventure.of course the dollar theatre isn't ideal but I had just moved to Tulsa and wasn't working yet so, sacrifices had to be made.  

I am very pro-coupon and I had a great one from Mazzio's so we got pizza then we headed over to 71st and Memorial and to the Movies 8.  Now let me just take this opportunity to explain to you about the Movies 8 dollar theatre (which is sort of misleading because its not $1.00, its $1.75).  

First of all, its pretty run down and you never know what kinda crowd you'll run into there.  For instance, last week we saw this girl who was wearing a very nice dress... and a baseball cap.  I know it doesnt sound so bad, but if only you had seen it...

Secondly, it's like the entire place is run by 16 year old hoodlums.  I dont think that I have ever seen an adult working there, seriously.

And lastly, and most nasty, in every one of their theatres, every seat is always damp.  There is no emoticon  that I could possibly insert here to give you an idea of what my face looks like every time I start to sit down in the Movies 8.  Its just... gross.  The first time I noticed this was about a month ago when Angel and I went to see "Diary of a Wimpy Kid".  We were nearly the only people in the theatre (which isnt uncommon) and we were just getting ready to settle in to our seats when I reached to push the seat down.  As soon as I felt it, I yanked my hand back so fast!  I felt like I wanted to throw up... but we were too busy laughing at how gross it was.  And at first, I thought it was just my chair, but no, Angel had a soggy seat, too!  Ugh.  I've now decided to psych myself out by telling myself that the seats are wet because they probably walk through and spray them all down with Fabreeze between movies... yeah, thats what it is... mm hmm.  

Now that you have a good picture in your mind of this place, I'll get on with my story.  We went and got tickets to see "The Losers" which neither of us knew a thing about.  But I figure, its $1.75.  Even if it stinks (the movie, not the theatre), its worth that, right?!  Buying our tickets, and my $4.00 ice water is a story in itself, but I dont want to get into that... we're going to pick up at the exact point where Angel and I enter our theatre.  

The very first thing we noticed was that it felt like a sunny summer day in there because it was so bright!  All of the overhead lights were on and blazing like the sun.  And you know how they scroll those silly movie trivia questions on the screen before the "main attraction"?  Well, those were even scrolling and the lights were still on.  It was weird.  We talked about it for a minute then we found our seats.  Here's a map I drew of the layout:

As you can see, we situated ourselves on the second to the back row, which was sort of like the back row because there was an aisle between our back row and the real back row... confused yet? If so, just refer to the map above.  

Not long after we sat down, a lady, probably in her mid- to late-forties came and sat down right by us.  I don't know why that always happens to me... there is literally NO ONE else in this place and she sits two seats down from me.  It's like the "Naked Hobo" all over again...

So, we're sitting there and after a bit there's a few more people in there with us, maybe 10 people total.  It's time for the movie to start and the previews begin rolling... theres only one problem.  The lights are on still!  I mean, you could hardly see what was happening on the screen.  Now, I'm going to let you all in on a little secret about me: I am 100%, totally and completely a confrontational person when I feel it's necessary.  I'm basically looking for a fight every minute of every day, okay?  So, naturally I'm about to get up and go complain.  I came out there and spent my hard-earned $1.75 so that I could have a cinematic adventure and by golly, I'm gonna get one!  And I'm nearly out of my seat to go hunt down a manager when what do my ears hear?: "Ma'am! Hey, ma'am! On the end!"  Yeah...

At first, I had no idea where this was coming from but then, out of my perifrials, I noticed one of the Movies 8 worker hoodlums screaming out of the PROJECTION WINDOW above my head, on the back wall (see photo #2).  And being the confrontational person that I am, I was just praying he was screaming at me.  But, he must've been warned because instead, he was hollaring at the woman two seats down.  

She, of course, is caught off guard and is looking up at him with the craziest look on her face.  As soon as she spots him, he's like, "Yeah, you.  Uh, can you do me a favor?"  And then she does that look-behind-me-to-make-sure-hes-really-talking-to-me move.  You know the one, we've all done it.  But usually if youre that confused the person really isnt referring to you.  After she realizes he's talking to her, she hesitantly agrees to try and help him with his "favor".   

He then says to her, "Yeah, can you turn off the lights down there?"  ....   ....   ....  I just dont even know what to say.  He really said that.  So, I look up at him and say, "Um, she doesnt work here, sir... you do!"  And it would have been nice to sort of go to bat for this lady who, in no way, needs to be turning the movie theatre lights off for the employees, but it was too late.  She was already up and out of her seat getting directions from him, from the projection window, on where the switch was. Of course she cant find the switch so he says, "Oh yeah, it's on the very bottom of the wall behind the back row of seats."  BEHIND the back row, pretty much on the ground...

So, here she is, wandering like a lost puppy dog trying to take instruction from him 10 feet in the air.  She looks for a bit and still cant find the switch so, next he says this, "Oh, well you might have to get on your hands and knees to find it."  I said, "On her what?!  You have GOT to be kidding me."  I dont even wanna walk in there with my shoes on hardly!  You are nutso if you think I'm getting on my hands and knees... oh, man I'm getting all upset about this all over again just writing about it. 

It was seriously, one of the funniest, most obnoxious things I have ever witnessed with my own eyes.  Angel and I laughed for the first 15 minutes of the movie, at least, repicturing this poor lady looking everywhere for that light switch.  

I wish so badly that I had enough money to go to the real theatre.  To see a legitimate cinematic adventure with the lights off, $15.00 popcorn, and dry seats.  I wish I could afford to treat myself to something as high-class as the Cinemark IMAX. Someday... someday.  But for now I'm stuck with the dollar theatre.  I'm stuck watching movies that every one has already seen.  I'm stuck with a soggy seat :o(  That's the story of my life... That's the story of Abby.


  1. First, I'm not blonde, an heiress, or from BH but I still call you my bestie.

    Second, I love that you drew pictures to go with your story because it made it that much better!

    Third, you know these things only happen to you right? I mean no one else in the world has this crazy stuff happening around them all the time. Maybe it's Angel's fault. I've heard a lot of your stories and she's in most of them. ;) jk jk!

  2. SOOOOOO freaking funny! There is NO way I wouldn't got on my knees either. That lazy fool should've got down there to turn those lights off!

  3. Angel told me this story and we were laughing all over again! You are a master story teller and the drawings were amazing! My blog aspires to be your blog's #1 fan!

  4. Oh. Man. Somebody would die. thats all I have to say.

    Wait...no it isn't.

    If the seats are soggy, why would you still sit in them?! No $1.75 is worth the risk of acquiring some wierd unknown STD from the previous person who sweat/bled/who-knows-what in that seat before you.

    Ok, I feel better now.

  5. ok we go to this theater too, and i won't take my son. the one across from the mall, correct? we saw new moon like 4 times there and we went cuz the crazy twilighters dressed up, EVERY TIME. and yes, i've never seen a legitimate adult working there.