July 12, 2010

Where Did Those Urinals Come From?!

I know, I know... I'm horrible at this blogging thing.  I haven't posted anything in over a month, but in my defense it's been one of the busiest months I've had in years.  But things are finally starting to settle down and with that, I promise I will be posting more often.  So, keep your pants on...

Getting back to the embarrassment that is my life, here is one for the books...

On Valentine's Day 2009 two of my best friends from college got married.  Not two separate weddings, they got married to each other... one wedding.  Their names are Cody and Sarah.  I was living in Enid at the time, they were living in Tahlequah and, just to confuse things, they had their wedding in Sand Springs.  I was a bridesmaid and totally excited to be, even though it meant my 7th bridesmaid experience.  "Always a bridesmaid..."  

All of the bridal party met in Sand Springs the day before the wedding for the rehearsals and decorating.  I had such a good time hanging out with my girls and helping Sarah out.  It was going great and things were really fun.  That night we had the rehearsal dinner just like expected and nothing crazy had happened to me at all... yet.  I remember sitting at the dinner with my friend, and fellow bridesmaid, Jen, thinking, "I cant believe its been a whole day and I haven't done anything stupid yet.  I haven't tripped, knocked anything over, or spilled anything on myself ALL DAY!"  Woop woop! Little did I know what was in store for me in just a few hours time.

One of the funniest parts to this story is that us girls stayed the night in the Best Western hotel that night DIRECTLY across the hall from the boys.  Yeah, Cody and Sarah were right across the hall from each other...  I knew the guys had plans to take Cody out and go bowling or something so I felt a lot of pressure to come up with something fun for us girls to do with Sarah.  Of course, Sarah had a hair appointment at like 4:30 in the morning which was constantly on our minds, trying to spoil all of our fun.  (Okay, it wasn't 4:30am, it was more like 8:30am... but like I always say, if its before 9am, its still nighttime.  6:30am, 2:30am... its all the same if its before 9am.) 

I didn't care what we did, but I was determined to stay out later than the boys... we had to.  So, with nothing better planned Sarah, Jen, the two other bridesmaids and I headed off for Chili's in Tulsa to get some dessert. Yeah, that was the beginning of my brilliant plan.  One really exciting thing did happen while we were there though.  I got a text message from this boy that I was really into.  For his protection, I'm not going to use his real name so, lets just call him... uh... Cole.  Now, Cole and I sort of had a history and I knew he was going to be at the wedding the next day.  I was super excited that he'd texted me and tried real hard not to show it.  I'm sure I did a horrible job of it.  

Anyways, while we were at Chili's we all got dessert and tried to come up with something fun to do after.  I wasn't contributing much to the conversation because I was still texting Cole.  The other two girls had to leave after dessert so it ended up just being Sarah, Jen and I.  The Three Musketeers.  

Chili's was such a big hit *sarcasm* that we decided to do the one thing in the world that is lamer (more lame?) than going to Chili's on the eve of your wedding day:  We went to Walmart.  I'm serious.  While we were there, we bought Sarah a crown that we decided she had to wear the rest of the night no matter where we went, and I think I bought a pack of gum, also.  It was the most thrilling trip to Walmart I'd ever had :o/

So, here's where the story takes a turn for the worst.

We were in line at the register.  Me, Jen, then Sarah.  We were purchasing a few items each and as I finished paying I told the girls I was going to run to the restroom real quick while they checked out.  As I was making my way to the restroom, I received another text from Cole.  I flipped open my phone and was texting him back as I walked into the restroom and into the last stall.  (Side note:  I don't know why I always go for the last stall.. Statistics show that the last and first stalls in any given public restrooms are 90% of the time the two dirtiest... I'm going to try and start going for the middle.)  So, I'm in the restroom and I do my business, grab my purse and bag, and as I'm opening up the stall door to go wash my hands and leave I notice a guy walk into the restroom.  A guy!  

Then, all of a sudden, it hits me like a flood...  the restroom is super dirty, there's only 3 stalls, there are 7 urinals... Holy crap on a cracker!  I'm in the men's restroom!  I immediately go into hyperventilation mode.  I cant breathe, I'm breaking a sweat.  How in the world could I have done this?!  I hear the man unzip his pants and is using the urinal by the door.  Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, OH MY GOSH ...I've been using the restroom my entire life and I've never gone into the men's restroom on accident!  And now, here I am... 25 years old and I've managed to flub this up!  

After I somewhat get a grip on the situation I go from hyperventilation to survival mode.  I have to get out of here.  But there's two big problems.  1) If I try to leave now, the man peeing at the urinal will surely see me and my huge purse and realize that a girl was in the guys restroom.  Then I freak out all over again.  What if he calls security... what if they call the cops... what if I get arrested?!  It'll be in the newspaper... everyone will think I'm a pervert!  2) My friends are checking out at the register.  If I don't hurry, they'll be outside the restroom waiting for me and they'll see me come out of the wrong door!  Oh, God, please help me!  

So, I decide to make a run for it.  The only problem now is that every time I get ready to run, another guy comes in the door.  At one point I was in there with 3 dudes!  THREE!  My breathing is becoming terribly irregular and I feel an asthma attack coming on.  So, the first chance I get, with only one guy one there at the urinal, I make a break for it!  Walking as fast as I can, straight for the door.  In my peripherals I see the one guy at the urinal catch a glimpse of me in the mirror and whip around to look if he is really seeing what he thinks hes seeing.  But even still, I keep going.

I'm so close to the door now... almost in reach... Got it!  I swing it open and get one glorious wave of fresh air on my face before.... SMACK!  I run right into another guy.  I drop my purse, I drop my bag.  We make eye contact.  He looks at the huge "MENS" sign, then back to me, then back to the sign.  I scurry and pick my stuff up as fast as humanly possible and make a break for it!  I can hear the man at the door screaming, "Hey!  Hey!"  But there is no way I'm turning around.  I see Sarah and Jen at the entrance of the store waiting on me, completely oblivious to what just happened, and as I get to them, I blurt out, "Ready?! Lets go!" and start off towards the car.  I didn't stop to see if they were following or if I was being chased.  We got in my car and I sped off, completely prepared to read about me in the Tulsa World the next day.

It took me a good hour to get my heart rate back down but we went on with our night as planned.  We went out to a couple of other places and got to the hotel only 5 minutes before the boys.  Dang it.  

I never told Jen about that... I only told Sarah a couple of weeks ago.  It's truly one of the most embarrassing things I've done.  So, naturally I feel I need to share it with the world.  

So, what have we learned from this?  Don't text while you're going to the restroom.  Ever.  It's not worth it.  Even if it is a text from a really cute boy.  If you do, then the story of my life might become the story of yours.  And honestly, you don't want that.  I don't want that for you...  It's a sad, embarrassing life, its the story of MY life...it's the Story of Abby.


  1. why have i NEVER heard this story?? that's some pretty classic embarrassment.

    and i was thinking, if you're willing to relive the experience, i think you should share some stories from peru. i'm sure there are plenty......

  2. Abby. That has got to be one of the all time greatest stories I've EVER heard! I am still laughing so hard that I'm having to backspace all over the place so that the words are correctly spelled and understandable! I have tears. And I have no words for how much I love your blog!!!

  3. I had to read this again....it was just as hilarious as it was the first time!!!!